What B- Students Become.

Boss Lady left for Changmai some 12 hours ago and wouldn't be back till Thursday. from now till then, i'd endeavour to round up work on the rather excruciating seminar. though i'd like to qualify now that it was only "excruciating" to sit through the seminar--working with Boss Lady on the paper was quite a learning experience, mainly because you could really sense the politics involved in our built environment, which is also to say that it's just very sad how the state of things is really how wuks has imagined it to be.

as the old adage goes: the truth is often stranger than fiction. and we've only just begun to scratch the surface of it.

anyway, soon after Boss Lady left, sio came down to school, after which we ventured to IDP to get some administrative things settled for her. time is really slipping by fast, and we're actually quite knee-deep in our preparations to move over to melbourne. we need to clear our student visa, in the process book our student tickets for Jan/ Feb 2006's faithful flight to melbourne to begin our new life there.

at tea-time, sio mentioned that she was at once excited and worried about what our life at RMIT would hold for us. truth be known, i think i'm freaking out just as much. i suppose leaving NUS has always been a great leap of faith for me as well, not knowing with any absolute certainties what's in stalled for us. previously, i spoke of my convictions and how i imagine things would be, but reality always has this funny way twisting things around and biting you back in the arse--hence the MTV-canonical movie Reality Bites.

a little less than a month ago, i followed Boss Lady to the department office to pick some books up from her office there. a couple of portfolios were lying on the floor, leaning against the huge-ass bookshelf from which Boss Lady was rummaging through. as i was standing there, waiting for her to sort things out, the single portfolio beside me fell and hit me on my shin. bending down to put it back to its original place, i realised that the portfolio belonged to me. prompted, i looked at the other portfolios and saw two labels on two different portfolios, one for "lowest pass", and another for "highest pass", indicating that the portfolios were there for a reason -- RIBA evaluation.

little surprise that that incident left me quite distraught immediately. for the skeptics, let me just assure you that my portfolio hadn't been used to represent works of higher grade bands. and although i knew it all along that my consistent stream of B- since Year 1 Sem 2 is nothing to be proud of, being considered as an epitome of B- brings things to a whole new level. a whole new level of stink, that is.

that very day, i told ameliadollars that i was feeling the stink of things, and that i feared my portfolio dropping on me--without having been stirred by Boss Lady's search--was a sign of something. without much hesitation, amelia shot back that "if it's any sign at all, it's that you need to work faster and complete your work". granted there's much truth to be held in what she says, the whole incident has led me to worry a fair bit about whether or not this were indeed my calling. if architectural design were really what i should continue venturing in.

what i've said earlier about my convictions to stay on an experimental path brings with it some acceptance of the unacceptance of what my explorations. this somewhat blase and even stoic sentiment--built up over the years of B- grades--towards what people make of my work has helped me further my way in architecture school, but i'm not so sure it'd definitely hold up to the test of time. as much as i'd like to say that fuck matters whether or not i gain any form of recognition at the end of the day, i think i really do wish for some amount of acceptance at some point. maybe not with the general population of practitioners or educators, but at least in some esoteric circle of fellow believers. if even the latter cannot see any worth in the work i do, then maybe this path has been nothing but misguided.

two particular things two separate tutors ever said to me either personally or in studio inspire me till today, and remind me that there's still much maturation to be had before anything can come about. Qiaos once told me that "it's not so much about being than it is about becoming", which i take to mean that there'd never be a day when i'd feel satisfied with myself but that the process of which matters. a semester later, tang guan bee told my studio that it's "never the A students who build great architecture, but the B students who are constantly exploring till the very day of their submission", although he did qualify that "the standard of our Bs could be something like your As now". no mention of what B- students become, but i like that someone like him sees not only the need for ceaseless exploration, but also the need to look beyond grade-worshipping and the whole system of grading in general.

the sum of these anxieties is the reason why i couldn't just let slip what we had begun for our competition without a fair fight. it also explains why i continue to think of Jumeng as an inspiring tutor whose perspective on architecture makes me not only believe in myself but also want to make believers out of other people. and then explain why up until now, i practise what Harold Hee once preached, "you need to learn to live and die by your designs, because that's all it really is about."

but that's what it is for me now, who knows what i'd say two, five, ten years down the road? though i suppose, at the end of it, i wish that one day i too would be able to share a tale of how a bad student was made good sans compromise.

wish me luck!